Theories of an Unwanted Dangerous Mind

Why does man consider stealing an unpardonable sin? It’s a question that has stared at me for years together. I want share a story that has spanned decades which has caused me to constantly revaluate what values mean to me.

Some thing to think about before I start boring you with a personal account- “Spare the rod Spoil the child” or something like that I think.. I remember from the time as a kid my grandfather used to sit down for an hour every night and go through his finances and try to balance them to, I am not kidding, to a single paisa. He would not sleep till every naya paisa was accounted for. Every body would make fun of him for this queer habit which he would join in -good heartedly. He would say that it was a habit instilled in him by his grandfather who thought his father was a frivolous spendthrift and did not want his grandsons to be the same. He said it taught him the value of money and in no way made him a miser!

My parents on the other hand never kept track of the money they were spending. They did not even know how much currency they had in their purse, a fact that I took advantage of for a long time. My family is a typical patriarchal family where my dad is the breadwinner. My mom had no idea where my dad kept money and was to lazy to go to the bank and withdraw some. She would ask my dad every time she needed money and did not even know where he kept it which again I took advantage of.

If there is anything that I have an unavoidable craving for it is chocolates. And my parents being good parents would never give into my daily tantrums of wanting chocolates. So after a point I think when I was in third grade I started taking matters into my own hands. I would just take money in small amounts from my mom and dads purse and get myself chocolates whenever I wanted. I was smart enough not to do it too often a I somehow knew they would find out. I have now idea how I had the guile and criminal mind( an example of which would be my first escapade of smoking- I stole a cigarette from my dads pack and plotted smoking it in a bathroom.i somehow knew that my parents would find out I had smoked so I chose a bathroom whose exhaust opened into an elevator shaft!. I smoked the cigarette into the shaft and washed my mouth with toothpaste so that I would not be caught and I wasn’t and all this in fourth grade) make sure I was never caught. I even discovered my dads “money hiding” safe place – his shirt pocket in a shirt hanging in his cupboard. By the time I was in sixth standard I was taking money to buy comic books as well. If my mom would ask where did I get the comic book I would say return gift at a friends bday prty. My lying had also become spontaneous and a part of life!

I was never caught! I would like to say that then some life changing incident occurred that changed me for life ( background score- insomnia??).. but no. When I got to seventh grade I just stopped doing it. I don’t know why? I just felt it was wrong. I still don’t have any idea what caused that change. And by the time I got to 10th grade I had stopped lying as well. I realized if I told the truth my parents would just accept it. For some reason they thought I was responsible and would never doubt my decisions- be it a small issue or something more important. Again I have no idea why?

I turned out ok as a human being and years later when I was in college I confessed to my mother in a lighter moment that I used to steal money from her purse and bought chocolates.. she just laughed it off. I think of how would have my life changed if I had been caught at a young age? There would have most certainly been a big scolding and probably my parents would have most certainly never trusted me.. or would they have?.. I have no idea. But to think back my own opinion is that if I had been caught I most certainly wouldn’t have grown up to be the confident individual that I think that I am and have such a wonderful relationship with my parents with the amount of freedom that they gave me. Of course I can never say how things would have turned out.. but it turned out fine in the case where the rod was spared.

The Cockroach song

I have a pet cockroach in my bathroom

It lives in a place I pee into

It comes out every night

Plays in fuckin delite

I … dunno what I am gonna do

I have a pet cockroach in my bathroom

It has a girlfriend too

They come out every nite

Play in fukin delite

I… dunno what I am gonna do

I have a pet cockroach in my bathroom

I have some baygon too

I sprayed over the little bastard

As it played in fukin delite

Now I have nothing else to dooooo

The inner musings of an external peripheral thought

The best way to waste time? Start musing..

Today I wus wondering what would happen if I changed each decision I made in each minute of my life.. each decision that I take always has an alternate. What would happen in such a scenario? Would I still be at the same place that I am now in front of my laptop musing or to the contrary would I be in space looking down upon ppl wondering the same. At some point in life everybody wonders about destiny and what role it plays in life and those who say that they do not believe in destiny and have never pondered thee are pure and outright liars!

The other day lit up a cigarette after a long hiatus. I smoked it as I walked home in the cold night.. really cold night. Igot thru the whole cigarette and then wus cursing myself the whole night as to y I needed that cigarette. The nxt day as I walked home on again really really cold night I lit up again. By the time I got thru half the cigarette something inside wus telling me to throw the cig away but then apparently my mind said y waste the money spent on the god dammed malboro lite huh.. but the strong inner voice kept going throw it throw it away and half way thru it I threw it into the snow and watched it grow damp fade into the surrounding whiteness (at this point I would like to point out that I am no grammatical king..).. and then wondered how different would my life have been if I had gotten through the whole cigarette. They say that each cigarette u smlke takes 5 minutes off of ur life.. what would would I have done with this extra 2 nd a haf minutes that I have granted myself????????? The pervert inside me ansers the obvious anser being “procreation” but that inner voice doesn’t agree.. its an open ended question .. now this is what I call wasting time.. have I gotten u thinking on the subject???..