Chandramouli --On the run the continuing adventures:

*inspired to complete the chandramouli trilogy thanks to this bata thatha series that I came across recently...


Chandramouli had decided after his tryst with phorin females that the way to go was arranged marriage So on a trip back home he decided to go the safe way as in arranged dating- the new concept that had evolved in his absence from the country for the last 4 years in his persuit for scientific happiness. Gone were the days were the boy with his parents visited to see the girl. He had seen this happen to his younger uncle and aunts when he was supposedly the cute kid who played cupid. The girl would come into the room full of relatives apparently decked up carrying a tray of tea biscuits and some namkeens and she would be looking down never to face anybody and as she passed the boy one of the relatives had to say, “we oldies should give these youngsters some time alone to decide” and then everybody for apparently no reason would burst out laughing. And as the girl and boy went to the terrace to decide life love and other things the mother would send him to be the “cute cupid” who in actuality prevented any apparent obscenity from happening.

Chandramouli sighed at how easy things had been then. Now the girl wanted to date him to find out how he was and what level was his intellectuality at. Weather he had an opinion on things like global warming ? Very important question. Everybody had their take on global warming these days. Great scientists like – Aishwarya rai, Amith ji and many more such revered scientists. Well at least he was really excited for the first time during his “India trip”. This trip hadn’t been what he had expected it to be. He had expected to be treated like a superstar as he was “phorin return” after all. But nobody had taken notice. Everybody had a son, daughter, uncle or aunt who had been abroad. Rather than be even treated with respect some had gone the other way in accusing him of being unpatriotic in ditching India for the “golden life” to a different country and not staying in India being patriotic and oh of course having opinions on global warming. How could he tell them that there was not one institute that researched in the field of nano paint fabrication or that the governments total budget towards the R and D of scientific technology added up to a gross sum of zero. That the education ministry was more concerned with the number of seats in the iim s rather than be worried about providing primary education to every child? But had he asked these questions he knew the response he would get- “You have no right to be asking “us” these questions u traitor. You should not be talking bad about India. We never do that – we are patriotic” And to top it all most of the girls who were available for arranged dating were scared to go out with him in case a mob decided to molest im-moralistic NRIs.

Finally his mother’s perseverance had paid and a nice Indian sounding named girl – Ramya was his date. His mother had given him strict instructions-
1) Do not try to kiss her on the cheek to say hello – u r not in amrika u know
2) Do not hug her to say good bye
3) Always stay 4 feet away from her
4) Make sure she is wearing a bindi otherwise I am not sure I would be ok with you marrying her
5) And make sure she has earings
6) It’s ok if she is not wearing a nose ring- after all it is the age of women’s lib

He had just nodded his head as he had always done in front of his mom. And now he was waiting at the bus stop for Ramya. He had been advised not to pick her up from home cause it was likely that he would be invited in thus raising the hope of the girl’s parents and this was certainly a no-no. He needed to take their feelings into consideration didn’t he now. He had been waiting fifteen minutes and then he saw a girl on the road divider 18 feet away. She was trying to cross the road but seemed not to know which side she wanted to be on. She would turn one way and then decide that the other way was the way to go. He was piqued by her behavior. Finally she decided to cross the road towards his side. She was wearing salwar kameez , had a bindi and ear rings but no nose ring. And she came upto him and broke his reverie- “Chandramoli..??” and he found himself saying “ yes??” R“ Hi I am Ramya” Now Chandramouli had watched Sivaji and had leant from the thalaver of philosophy how an NRI should behave in india and keeping upto that he found himself saying, “Coool”

They walked to a restaurant which was but 5 feet away. Chandramouli had made sure that the tables in the place measured to be more than 4 feet in width. All was well till now. He smiled when he thought of his friend back in the states. His friend was “liking” a girl in his workplace. But each time he had built up the courage to go ask her out something had befallen the girl- she had ordered lunch, had a doctor’s appointment, had her boss in her cabin and then finally when she had been free she told him that she was going to Washington over the weekend to be with her “new” boy friend. He had cursed himself at his luck but Chandramouli had chuckled at all of this. He was above him for he knew the cause. It was an ardha shastra called the Mothers Ashirvaadam that had protected the son from doing such profanely obscure things.

They talked over lunch. He had made a very good impression on Ramya. Having watched lage raho munnabhai he knew how to impress her as well. He made sure he did not call the waiter as “ chhh chhhhchchchh idhar aa”. That one thing might have as well decided things in his favour. They talked for quite a while and then came the question that would probably twist things in his favor,” what do you think of global warming?”. He was prepared- he said,” I totally agree with Amith ji on that- the devastation that green house gasses are causing mother India is abominal. In fact I cycled all the way here and made sure the restaurant was in walking distance for you as well. So that the only fuel we burnt today was perspiration” She was certainly swayed. He smiled inwardly.

She said to him,” you know I have a confession to make. When I was crossing the road I had second thoughts about meeting you. I thought you would be like all those NRIS like that guy from the movie “Pardes”- Apurva Agnihotri I think and be without any Indian culture and values. But I am so glad to have met you. To be precise the things that sawyed me are that you have an opinion on global warming and you did not order mineral water like Bisleri like all those other NRI freaks” Chandramouli did not have the heart to tell her that he had not touched the water and had not trusted bisleri since the scandal that had showcased that they were using ditch water as a source.
Chandramouli was happy. He thought he had found bliss in it all and as he walked Ramya home she suddenly looked at him extremely cross and said,” Of all the nerve! Just when I thought you werent like all those NRIs you most certainly are you pig how dare you!” Chandramouli was flabbergasted. He did not know what he had done wrong. And then the application of the deep mathematical theory of gamst probability he realized he was but “3 feet” from Ramya.

She walked away in a huff as Chandramouli stood in her wake….

AUTHORS NOTE:

How cool is this I get to do an authors note..:D this story wudnt be possible without a certain chain of events- 1 - A's idea for she was great resource..:) and S's adventures- he helps me out a lot of the times and I would sincerley like to thank the shiv sena for enforcing law and order in india and inspire mobs everywhere to preserve us against western domination... and of course the usual stuff- I do not ascribe to what I write and all..

The Chandramouli stories:

2) Chandramouli - The redux stories

1) Theoretically I knew who the killer was.....

Kung fu Jack ass vs the roach from Outer Space

*when the universe conspires against me- I try and conspire against the universe!

The roaches had escaped into outerspace
Having given up on human kind
And developed an advanced race
On the planet beta K

Having lived out a million genrations
In the time we grew but one day
They were now much more advanced
And their leader named Kniving K
Soon had plans of world domination

She headed the first fleet in a wave
Soon to follow in her depths
And stood at the shores of earth
One fine day which by the way
Was just two days since yesterday

But little did kniVing K expect
That her plans were to be countered
By the one savior humankind did not know of
Who else but the inferior hero
Kung fu Jackass was his name

He had hee haawed all his life
In the back yard of a mortal scientist
And but two days earlier had swallowed
The solution the scientist had left
Unattented in the barnyard
Thinking it to be ass lotion
But in actuality that was
The elixir of an inferior hero

“Hee haw” he brayed having
Flown out to meet the roach invasion
“Who is thy leader” ,he asked
I challenge thee to battle of unwits

K looked at him and laughed
“You dare tread my path
What nonsense do you talk
Unwits you say to the wittiest of all!”

“Kungfu Jackass is my name
Dumbness is my game
Beat me at my own dumbness
And earth will be your game
For if you are able to beat me
Oh kind mistress
George bush will be easy pray!”

And so saying started the battle of unwits they say
A legend was surely created that day
At the shores of earth they still stood
Kniving K having accepted the battle of Unwits
With Kung fu Jackass facing her
Without any fear they say

Many a dumb question was asked
Some of which were
“ if Kniving K is wearing pepe Jeans then who’s
Jean is Pepe wearing?”
“if an ant wears invisible underpants then how will the
Elephant talk to a lion”
“ Will George Bush decide to invade Sweedan
Because they made fun of his underpants”

The battle of unwits was at a standstill
And that was when Kung Fu Jackass
Showed his A game
He looked at Kniving K and asked
“if the answer to all questions of love is 41
And the question to 41 is 22
That but prooves the theorem of life which equates to
If you invade the planet earth
Then you will be married to Kung fu Jackass!”

The roach cried out “you have been defeated!
You did not ask a dumb question in that
You just prooved the answer to life that human kind
Has been looking for their whole measly lives
But you are smart Kung fu Jackass!
For you know now I cannot invade earth
For else I would become Mrs Jackass “


And as the roaches retreated to Beta K
Kung fu Jackass Hee haawed all day
And that is how he saved
All our lame asses that day!



(Jackass pronounced as Chakaaasss with the waving of arms)

This is fourth in the series of roach songs btw:

3)Another Cockroach Song
2)The roach strikes again
1)The Cockroach Song

o mi genoito...

It had been exactly seven days since I had crash landed on a planet in sector alpha1. I was desperately low on supplies, what little I had been able to salvage before my ship had been completely destroyed. So it was just what little was left and my robot companion Gnosi 124.2. I just called it Gnosi. I had waited in vain for someone to come rescue me. I had Gnosi send out a distress signal before the planets gravity had sucked us in. And here we were- man, robot and a little bit in what seemed to be the middle of a desert.

14 days or so

I could not believe I had not been rescued yet. How could this be I asked myself? Surely it was just around the corner-- my rescue that is. I had run out of all supplies of nutrition. I at least had an endless supply to water thanks to Gnosi who was able to harvest moisture. Without it I would surely be dead by now. But then that was its function – keeping me alive. I couldn’t believe the helplessness that I was feeling. Twenty seven thousand years of evolution had yielded in nothing but a simpleton as far as knowledge of science went. I did not know the principles of radio wave transmissions…. Heck given umpteen resources I was sure I could not make much out of that. I was like an ancient baboon in a nudist bar.

20 days or so- conversations with Gnosi

“Gnosi are you capable of intelligent conversations?” I asked. “ That depends on what you might observe as the definition of intelligence Daskalos San” it replied. I could not believe it! All this while I had thought him to be a junk programmed to serve me. I looked at him ( I had just decided to elevate it to a him ) and asked curiously, “ why have you never spoken so to me before?”. “Daskalos San you never asked before for me to carry out what you call coherent conversation”. My curiosity was now piquing me,” Gnosi, Do you know where we are? Are you capable of radio transmission? “ Gnosi replied,” Daskalos San we are on the planet known to the supreme race of the beta quadrant as Meno Makria Kronos in the sector alpha 1 and No” I continued,” Gnosi I have been devoid of conversation of any kind for the past 20 odd days. I apologize for taking you to a metal heap retard. I have another question for you(I paused).. are you allowed to speculate?” Gnosi said “ Yes… “( a long pause) “to be or not to be that is the question is it not”

He had just done what I had asked him to do.

I thought to myself when I had taken the job of flying the research vessel --- Phoenix 2 … I would now make enough to live the rest of life in luxury. I was a pilot not a rocket scientist. My comprehension of any electronic principle was minimal. I had in fact been sent to flight school because I had failed fourth grade. I was dubbed by any standard of society to be a dunce who had a flair for picking up languages very quickly. I was starting to figure Gnosi bit by bit. I looked at him and said,” Gnosi , do you think we should venture out to cross this desert to find food?” Gnosi ,” ………………………..(pause)…….I think that would be the best solution Daskalos San. I studied the topography as we were being pulled down for this very quest. We should head north. That would mean 3 days travel to a proper source of nutrition.


35 days or so

“ Gnosi we have been wandering these vast grasslands for a week now…” I had grown thin. I had... it seemed over estimated Gnosi after grossly underestimating him. In saying a proper source of nutrition he had assumed the carbohydrates from the grass would be enough to sustain my life. He had not known my poor underdeveloped digestive system would not allow that! As we had reached the grasslands I had at once seen the error in his calculation. I had lost at least close to 20 pounds having not eaten a morsel in the last twenty days. Gnosi was now carrying me all the time. That was eating into his hibernation cycle as well when he could recharge his batteries. He was not designed to carry a human across a thousand miles was he now! I smiled at the irony that stared at me in all four directions.

“I think the only way to survive for the seven more days you say will get us to a proper nutrition source, no strings attached, is that ….” I paused –I could not believe I was saying this … “ is that I feed on my own flesh…” Gnosi ,” Yes according to your calculations...” .. I said “ I cannot cut my own flesh Gnosi. I give you the command to cut flesh from the appropriated parts of my body and help me consume it”

I screamed in pain. I was crying like a baby. I could not believe what I had just done. I tried to eat my flesh but had vomited violently. I had then made Gnosi force feed me. I continued vomiting as Gnosi said;” Daskalos san we must keep moving to keep to your timetable” So we continued having sterilized my self inflicted wounds. To take my mind off the pain I started bantering,” Gnosi… the great robot … made the biggest error of calculation.. thought I could consume grass and live… what an idiot… “ Gnosi said, ” Daskalos san I did not make an error… you can still consume the grass”. I thought I was delirious.” What do you mean… I cannot digest grass you know that… “ Gnosi said,” But Daskalos san I can break down the grass into concentrated doses of carbo-hydrates that can be consumed…” I looked at him in all my pain ,” Why Gnosi did you not tell me this before? Why have you betrayed me so? “

Gnosi simply said,” Daskalos san- you did not ask” . I passed out


43 days- the tribe

I could not believe I was among a tribe of anthropoids of a primitive state of evolution. They were nursing me back to health. Gnosi was making sure of that. The past few days were a haze to me. Gnosi had been carrying me when we had come across these tribal hunters in the twilight of one of the days- I cannot remember which. He had shone his beacon brightly and everybody had bowed down to us and now I was almost back to full health.

30 years – Thanatos

As per my wishes Gnosi had brought me away from the tribe quietly into the mountains. I was now only hours away from death. I was feeling scared. I looked at Gnosi and said,” Gnosi what does your name mean and why have you called me Daskalos all these years?” I did not expect an answer. I was just babbling in a fear of the darkness that lay ahead. Gnosi replied, ” Gnosi means knowledge and Daskalos means teacher. You are my teacher Daskalos san” I had never really thought there had been a meaning behind the name of my companion of 30 years. I continued ,” Gnosi what languaage is this you speak of? After all these years it strikes me the name of the planet you told me off also has the same roots. Wait… This is ancient greek isnt it? What does the name of this planet mean?” Gnosi replied,” Stay off the planet Kronos”. It took me a while to assimilate what he had just said. It started to make sense – why I had been abandoned so… but I needed a closure to this issue. I had figured out that Gnosi knew the answers to my unanswered questions of 30 years past. I had at many times almost brought myself to ask them but hadnt with the power and prominence I had gained on Kronos and more importantly due to an inherent fear. But now the time had come. I asked and Gnosi replied,” Daskalos san, this is the planet which is the future of the galaxy. But till they discover to ride out to the stars the human race is not to come into any form of contact with them. The Elders had thus named the planet so. When you crashed into the planet you inadvertently broke the rule. In the final few hours before the crash I was contacted by the elders and told of your fate. Deep mathematical calculations of probability and the application of the Zimba theory of probabable patternification had yeilded in but one answer. Your abandonment….” I started seeing blackness.i tried to look at Gnosi and said,” My companion I shall have my last laugh at the elders….. I ask you to destroy yourself once I am gone of all repository of knowledge that you have gained of my actions over the last 30 years…. “

I took one last breath and said..” Gnosi goodbye my good friend…..”


1000 years--- The legend

There where temples in every city every town every village of the most prosperous civilization of the alpha quadrant. The existence of the elders and the human race was not known to anyone in the quadrant anymore. Their existence a mere fleck of the past oceans of time.The temples had but one deity- “ Daskalos our creator destroyer and preserver “and overseeing the main deity room was a smaller deity of Gnosi- his able companion to the end… Daskalos was god...



Ancient greek vocab-- o mi genoito=God forbid Thanatos= death